Demotivated

I'm not sure why am i so demotivated for the past few days. Is it because of my incomplete dossier? Or is it because of my unfinished assignments? There are tons of works and assignments to do, and i felt a little bit depressed due to my incapabilities to finish them on time? Am i too weak to be a capable student who can overcome all sorts of obstacles and hindrance in front of him? Or am I too arrogant for the past few years which causes me to be living in my own isolated world.

It is tougher than my high school year; it is much more tougher, as i can conclude.

Being in a confusing and confounding state after doing my ethic study, i found myself totally reluctant to study in order to push myself to another peak of my limit. Sitting here now is a boy who can't even find the location of money collector on the automatic good selling machine ( you know, the machine that you can dip money into it. Then you can choose your own preferred drinks from the machine) or understand the proper meaning of (摸你就走）touch n go.

I need to think critically, and faithfully by this critical moment. God let me discover the book of critical thinking definitely has His own meaning and reason. I should always believe in his pathway and follow his guidance. However, should i just stand here and do nothing? This is quite a paradoxical question to most of the Christians.

Just act accordingly and think aptly, i supposed... ... I need to analysis every situation as precisely as possible. Now there is no time for childish plays just to fulfill my egocentric desire!

Dossier is unable to complete in the remaining time. And i lack teacher's recommendation letter from my high school as most of my high school teachers are not good at English. There are some of my English teachers who can help me to write my recommendation letters, one is from Mr Stephen Ong, and the another one is from Beatrice. However, i am unable to contact with Mr Ong at the very moment, yet Beatrice is a virago who is easily irritated especially if you disturb her when she is in her "busy" mode. Haizzz zzz, may be it is worth trying, right? At least she is quite affable at the back (sometimes), but sarcasm isn't what i really need, at least not now.

God, guide me in my application, for my ambiguity, for my anxiety, for my desperate calling to know the truth. I need the spirit of forgiveness to pour love into my heart, so i can forgive others with care... ...

Give me strength, for you are the source of strength, for you are the source of motivation, for you are the helpers who can solve any problems that are beyond our understanding. My faith towards you will not be refuted by others who doubt your existence skeptically, who cast hatred against you.

I am motivated again... ....

Demotivated

Life lifters... ...Chapter 1

chapter 1

"let joy, temperance and repose slam the door on the doctor's nose."- Longfellow

Is it true that right mental attitude is extremely important in virtually everything we do in the life?

Am I the "prophet of doom" or am i the "happy-go-lucky" person around my friends?

In the journey of seeking knowledge and happiness, I struggled, I panicked, I fell down. Sometimes, when those around us are smiling to us, do they mean it truly? Or is it another sorrow in disguised?

Sometimes taking an honest look at myself really will put you out on the floor with foot-stomping, tear-rolling laughter. So why should we end up suffering with a negative thinking? Why we always want to make fallacious assumption and misconception about the others? Why we are always complaining about the most minuscule aches, pains and inconveniences in our life? Is this the innate nature of humankind?

We are what we think; what we do is what we think, so think positively, think optimistically! Be happy, moderate and calm everyday! Enjoy our life, and be contented!

It is true that there are always many things that disturbed our emotions drastically. We felt indignant or miserable. I had been disturbed by his apathetic ignorance for a long time. It was so annoyed and angry for a friendship to end up like this. Since he abandoned me in the first place, why don't i change my fuel of inspiration and aspiration by aiming at a lofty goal or setting an adventurous voyage to the sea of my dream? I had been wishing a tranquility in my heart without his disturbance, without redundant parties from my former classmates, without annoying phone calls talking about nonsense and silly stuff. Whenever i think like that, i felt happy and calm as i change from self-pitying to self-motivated, with a soul full of passion and dreams.

William Mathews once said that,"A sunny disposition is the very soul of success, enabling a man to do double the labor that he could without it, and to do half the physical and mental exhaustion." So, be happy and be gratified for what you have in your life.

Here are some of the hilarious definition that i found in the book... ...

Boredom- self-pity in disguise

Change/ growth- the process by which my inside begins to match my outside

Compulsion- an overwhelming desire to destroy myself in the name of pleasure

Denial- the ability to suppress the truth long enough to get what I want

Envy- emotion produced by a belief that another's good fortune somehow detracts from my own superiority

Fear- the need to run from the things I screwed up yesterday that I know will ruin my life tomorrow which I refuse to deal it today.

Honesty- a thing I have no problem with until I get honest about it

Humility- being honestly and sincerely willing to learn a few simple things from other people, having no desire to strangle them in the process

Love- when listening to you is more fun than thinking about me

Low self-esteem- a modern psychological term that used to be called "shame"

Persecuted- the way i feel when i get what i deserved

Powerless- a human being without faith in God

Problems- God's method of revealing himself to anyone who is interested

Rationalization- the process of convincing myself I need everything i want

self-pity- the door of depression, the fuel of fear, the anvil of anger, and the root of resentment.

willingness- when i expose myself to the truth and refrain from shuffling the facts.

be happy everyday and be oblivious about the painful past

despite your past, your future is a clean slate!!!

heal my heart

heal my heart and make it clean,

open up my eyes to the things unseen,

show me how to love like you have loved me;

break my heart for what breaks yours,

everything i am for your kingdom's cause,

as i walk from earth into eternity

Recently, I had come to Campus Alive again. Unexpectedly, I saw a lot of my old friends. The reason most probably is because tomorrow was a public holiday. Since there was going to be a long long week for everyone, so most of the people came to campus Alive! May God bless... ...

There, i met him again. A person who can grasp my heartbeat, who can touch every impulse of my nerves, who can do... ... everything that makes my heart broken like a fragile glass shattered onto the cemented floor, no conscious, no obligation, not any more... .... He was there, but i can't talk, i can't even murmur to him. I just felt, i was disappeared... ...

My existence is no longer important to him... ... what we had done together, don't they mean anything to him? Don't they make any significance to him? I was stunned, shocked, sad, morose, disappointed... ...

i had wrote down everything we had been doing together in our past few years, everything... ...

lies, hatred, jealousy... ... everything that jeopardizes us... ... every second, every minute, every heartbeat... ... let the hatred flowed into my vein, ran through my nerves... ...

As the paper being torn by me, everything ended. Everything end, between you and me. I am not sure what he had written about me, or may be he had not even written about me. I want my heart to be healed, i want my soul to be mollified. i want to find a pace of tranquility in my heart.

Open up my eyes, i want to see, from different perspective, from different people's point of view

show me how to love... ... how to love, like you had loved me... ....

Break my heart for what breaks Yours... ... painful, remorseful

Let it be my past, i want to have a bright future without him, without living under his shadow... ...

3 weeks

3 weeks for me to get everything done and settled! What the hell?? Not even a super genius can do something like this in 3 weeks time, how about someone who is as mundane as me is able to finish it on time while in perfect condition?

A one-strike-stroke! How could I do it?

Back to these few weeks, Huat and I might be the only 2 left targeting to fly in one year from our class. For the Ivies we pursued the study and competed with each others. I am uncertain about that boy why he must fly in one year. Whenever i asked about this question, he would just bring the topic over and start changing another topic which was totally irrelevant.

Then how about me? I target for the Ivies, why I need to make such a drastic decision while I am not even well-prepared?

I have been working on some few books for me to improve myself, not only just improve my SAT, but I think my personal growth is equally important as my SAT score! As i bucked up my Gpa and cGpa, I must make myself to be more inquisitive and knowledgeable! DNA, psychology, critical thinking, strategy... ... I must learn everything in such a short time to fully equip myself.

Digression again... ... Ughh... ... Why I choose Ivies?

Because JPA asked me to choose Ivies, I supposed, indirectly. However, why should I keep blaming others? The reason behind is rather simplistic. I choose Ivies because I am restrained to these few choice, for if I want to apply as a freshman, I must get myself admitted into one of the ivies or ivy standard universities.

The main reason is not because Ivies have good reputation, they are competitive, they are more prosperous in the sense that I might stand a better chance to get a high-paid salary after I graduate, but also I enjoy the sheer pleasure of having a dream to chase, a vision to accomplish and a passion to burn in my heart.

I was quite disappointed when I heard that some of the JPA scholars' thoughts about their scholarship. They think that they have no obligation to work hard anymore, for all their hard works were paid when they received the scholarship. Their motive of study was just to get the scholarship, and their journey of knowledge was done, finished, settled! This is a total offence to everyone in my nation, and I felt so humiliated as I am one of the JPA scholars!

Knowledge is endless, so as the passion that drives the seeker of knowledge! I felt remorse for my lack of motivation and slothful during the first few weeks. Now, I have tasted the ramifications for everything that I had done! I had another chance, another shot, another goal to grab, to give and to aim with whatever that I had left!

You are what you think! Whatever you are doing, whatever you feel, whatever you want- all are determined by the quality of your thinking. If your thinking is unrealistic, your thinking will lead to many disappointments. if your thinking is overly pessimistic, it will deny you due to recognition of the many things in which you should properly rejoice!

This, I think probably, is the most important lesson that I had learnt when I read through the books! I have left about 50 books to read through, 10 books of SAT to finish, infinite sets of practice and notes that i need to go through. In this swiftly changing world with each passing day which the pace of life and change quickens, I must be more equipped. I thirst on more knowledge, more knowledge than I ever needed.

I am more than happy to get myself through all these challenges. I thrive on such a great competition, magnificent adventure and lifelong journey! All I want to do now is be focus on what I want to do in the future, and give everyone the best shot that I had in my life!

Three weeks left for me to change my destiny and link my road to the ivies. I want to get into the ivies because it is fun to do so. Why can’t I dream of something that I want to do in the future, something that I eager to learn and achieve in my life? There was one rather extreme thought of mine regarding JPa scholarship and my further study in the US. If I can’t continue my Jpa scholarship because of my low cgpa despite my successful admission in the US university, I will still go for it without any sponsorship from the government. Government scholarship is just a virtual aid in our study; it is the hard works behind that we need to pay and sacrifice in order to reach our dream university!

With all the experience that I had gone through in my life and my very subjective views towards everything that happened around me, I think the answer towards the “which job should I choose in the future? A high paid but uninteresting job, or a Low paid but interesting job?” is rather obvious already. The reason is not because of what prospect of this field in the future, or because of the income from this job. To me, these things are too superficial to me, or should I say, too “in the box” already.

Who decide which job to be well-paid? Who decide which job to be more interesting? It is you who decide it, right? The money can never make the job interesting, as that is a total virtual sensation- it is fake! Only when you yourself feel interesting based on the qualities of the job, neglecting the economic factors, then you can truly indulge yourself in the sheer fun of the job! If money can make an employee think the job is interesting, then I think prostitution is the world happiest and interesting job ever in our world.

People might argue with me, how could I jump into such a conclusion when I had never experienced the feeling of total poorness! I never said that money is unimportant, but it is not a major factor in choosing whatever that you want!

People who are super rich millionaire are those who interested in what they do, not the money! Simple example, Bill gates, an expelled from the Harvard, who could indulge himself in his computer world without being disturbed by anyone else, had a vision- every house has its own personal computer! He upheld his belief and finally, he successes. I believe every great figure in our world shares common qualities in their mind.

They have passion in what they are doing. – full of enthusiasm

They have vision in what they will do. – ambitious and always unrealistic among the others

They have perseverance in what they had done wrong in the past. – never give up

I am not going to follow the trend of the world, the prospect of the jobs, but I rather choose to CREATE opportunities. I want to touch as many hearts as possible in this world!

The best part in Intec, to me, is I am not the only idiotic dreamer who chase on such an unrealistic dream. Faith, Courage, Perseverance are much more important than just a brain full of knowledge and marking scheme!

Good luck! kira! I know you are always unique and special among your peer in your high school time. They might humiliate you, they might despise you, they might under rate you, but don't forget, you are always special in His eyes.

Don't give up hope!!! !!! !!! !!!

Morning... ... 1 hr before class

kira is back into action this week doing all sorts of crazy stuff- including quarreling with officer, stealing a book from the library, cheating in the exam, insulting others cynically, wasting his affluent like doomsday is coming soon... ... soon he is going to do acapela, to apply for his dream university, to bulk up his gpa and sat, to sit for his SAT and TOefl and SAT 2 and final... ...

2day i got this chance to stay down in cendana here is not because i didnt have any lectures, but is because i was forced to do so! i need to take back my very own book from the office. However, my packed schedule does not really allow me to do such a minuscule thing out of my schedule even. Having lack of enough sleep, i felt really tired and insipid these few days. With just an average sleep of 4 hours per day, i really cant withstand this pressure. It is like a big stone clashing my shoulder and my head merciless, yet i have dream to accomplish. On the other hand, my application is quite messy now and i really need to rush up some unfinished job and business, or else, i will just end up to be another normal guy struggling actp without any more chance to get myself into the best university in this world ever.

I believe God will always guide my road in the future; he is my lord and my guidance. I will always follow his path. I made my own choice and decision but God will help decide the outcome. i believe these few days there are many miracles happen, not only on me, but also people and things around me. I really trust in God that my future will be in Ivies, despite that fact that i am weak, i am not as strong as the others like zhiyu or hobart or even william. These few guys are real good, and i can feel the tense atmosphere around me that made me so energetic.

I thrive on challenges, especially tough challenges that can made my nerve breakdown. It is not just another insane, inhumane talk. It is the biggest dream that i uphold, the strongest passion that i feel, the greatest journey that i venture! It has been such a long time without any new challengeshinder me , without any new obstacles around me, without any real tough competitors to brush up my combat skills. Thanks God for leading me to here, INTEC, where real challenges are waiting for me, for i am the one that is going to be awakened and face the challenges gracefully and elegantly.

It is like the new world in Onepiece where Luffy need to face a lot more tougher rivals and characters. I think it really shows some resemblance with my experience that i am going through now. I believe one day, i can become a revolutionary person too which stun others like they had never experienced it before.

Dream big, big adventure; Act daring, daring experience.

Power to win

These few days were like heaven for me. Eventhough it was tired, it is meaningful, in the sense that i learnt a lot of new things and new stuff. My first encounter with a real politician; those who just act like politicians, which i totally despise them, are actors who aim to get the best actor award in the Oscar. What the hell are they doing now? Our nation has left 11 years just to reach our nation's vision. What are those people waiting for? Another broken hearts of Malaysian towards their own country? Another tears dropped down from their eyes, who witness the chronicle of the falling of their own beloved country? It is like blades penetrating through our own hearts; in fact they are soaring and moaning deeply, crying for a change and revolution blessed to our country. There are too many untalkable shame, too many frustrated incidents... ...

Then, one small problem... ... Am i going back to work in Malaysia- my homeland?

Before 3 days ago, my answer is No. I am not going back to Malaysia to work. I dare to answer this paradoxical question even in front of those interviewers from Bank Negara and JPA. What's the point to come back and serve this country if this country did not show any compassion towards those who are weak, those who are needy, those who are poor, those who are ungifted but themselves only? This is a country full of corruption, prejudice, deadly crimes and even natural disaster! (We are not that invulnerable towards natural disasters! Geography book!) As a conclusion, I didn't like this country.

Nevertheless, whenever i passed through the Petronas Twin Tower, i felt a sense of pride deep inside my heart. Whenever i walked through the hawker stalls in Malaysia, i felt proud about it. Whenever something catastrophic incidents happened in Malaysia, i felt sad; it was like a piece of my meat having stolen by others, piercing it into pieces and pieces. Every words in my essay is based on Malaysia. I am more than happy to share with others about my hometown using words and pictures. Those beautiful sceneries are so picturesque till there is no existance of these words that can possible describe their beauty and elegance.

Who am i kidding? I love my country! Definitely i am going to be back, to my hometown, Sibu. I will know when to come back when the time comes. As i know the situation in Malaysia in the near future might not be suitable for my contribution. One or two years in Usa for working experiences and personal development might just suit me, hehe! One thing i can assure is i will be back, not because of those of my classmates or teenage friends, but because i have the obligation to do so. Thanks to Hannah Yeoh, my very first politic idol in my life! I am so full of joyous when i saw her in the Campus Alive! Without any hestitation, i quickly requested to shake her hand personally as a way to say Thank you to her sincerely from my heart.

Although some of those Malaysian disdain my existance and my performance, I don't care! These people are those who always look down on me. I know my past wasn't that glorious or magnificient, but why should i be judged based on my past?

These few days i was not only focus on my OC assignments, but to focus on my writing. I had bought some new books for my individual interest and personality improvement. I wish i can be a better person, a successful person and a dreamful person! I always have the power to win, as i always think like a winnneer.

Our past could not determine who we are now, but what we think today can affect who we are in the future. Paradoxical? Tired, go sleep lo!

Question by Question

Now, it is 2am sharp. I am here, blogging! Can you believe it? I am supposingly working on my pre-cal while trying to finish my essay before i start end up rushing all my piled works. You could put it in this way, i love procastinating. However, i got my own perception towards my unchangable habit of procastinating. I do things based on my moods. You could say i am a little bit emo, but sometimes i just don't feel like doing somethings which i am not interested in. For instance, the drafting of the radio drama. I just can't feel any passion running through my heart. I do it, only for the mere reason of a sense of responsibility as a student in INTEC. Genuine passion towards somethings could be hazardous to my study :o

After joining the workshop which is mainly about application essay and SAT, i realized that my English much poorer than i thought. I am not a nerd, but i need to force myself stick to the tombs and act like a bibliphille. I don't like reading books which i don't like. Can't i do something that i genuinely love to do, read someting that i really passionate about it, and write something that i really feel about. The reason i prefer US education as my tertiary education because i do want to express my true inner thoughts about anythings around me. No more pretentious BAHASA MELAYU essay who instructed us on writing something that the LEMBAGA Pelajaran want. Eventhough there it is clearly written that students are allowed to give their opinion about the topic given, as long as you did not fulfill the marking criteria listed by the government for your content, you are out of the ranks. Haizzz zzz. I know that we are emerging ourselves into a pro-biotech country, that doesn't mean that the students of Malaysia should be cloned to be distinctively same and tame like the cloned cows according to their tailored standard.

I think i had reached my very limit for my sleeping hour, yet i have 2 essay needed to be written. As long as the passion lives, so do his owner who burns the passion up. As long as the dream goes on, so do his dreamer who dares to dream.

I have been indulging myself into lots of books, including bioethics and molecular biology of cancer. I want to know more about molecular biology and the application of its huge potential in our daily lifes. I never wait for the prospect of ones job; i create one! I think having doing my research on such a complexity about life is totally amazing and undeniably contented.

If i want my life to be filled with colours, i should first initiate my dreams with colours of happiness. What is my dream by the very moment now? Those fella actually classifies our goals into short-term goals and also the long-term goals. What i mention about dreams, are actually long term goals to them. I want to prove to them, those who always underestimate me, that eventhough i am not a genius, i can do something that even a genius can't do. I have faith in God.

My dream is to be the one standing upon Nobel Prize Giving Ceremony in front of millions of people. What matters me is not the money that i could earn, but is the pure happiness that i can enjoy the moment i touch a soul hidden beneath their hearts with my hands.

I want to become a source of inspiration and aspiration for others who also dream the same way as i did before. I want to tell them, there is no such dream as big dream or small dream, only dream big or dream small.

You are now in Intec

"you are now in INTEC! remember that" this phrase keeps mingling in my mind for this whole weekend, eventhough i had been in Subang Jaya for the last whole weekend finding my teng teng to play. Teng Teng is my friend that i met when i was back studying at Taylors in Subang. That was quite a fond memory about how i first met this cute facetious boy in Taylors. Eventhough we haven't met for nearly 2 months, but it doesn't mean that our friendship reaches an end. We are still together, although there seems to be some strangeness between us. In fact, whenever our friendship gets abridged, i feel a sense of content. At least someone does appreciate my existance and assistance. :)

"You are NOW in INtec!" this phrase, does its job perfectly. It was from my lecturer, miss Nadiah, one of my most favourite teacher at this moment, not because she is young and pretty, but because her compassion and benevolence to her teaching and her students. I was quite shocked to be called by her because she cares about me through my writings. Since when did anyone bother my dramatic expression and acrimonious writings? Since who will ever bother such a mediocre student like who i am? I was from a chinese background family, placement class according to my english standard definitely stands a disadvantage to me. The reality is, i am weak at English and I need to face this problem stoically and arduously with plentiful of diligence and preseverance.

inadvertently, i had discussed a lot of issues about me and huat when having this conversation with Miss Nadiah. I told her that my egocentricity about my dream to study at ivies which seems to be impossible for me to accomplish. However, according to her observation, i am quite preeminent among my group. I am quite delighted when my hardworks are getting some affirmation from the others. My burgeoning English proves to me that my hardwork does not wasted like water flowing endlessly from the tap. I looked at her in reverential awe, eventhough she is very young, she has gained my respect towards her.

"You are NOW in INTEC!" means that i now stand the same chance with Hobart ling and the others whoever score a damn high mark in their SAT. I think this is the propitous moment for me to strike back and prove to myself that i can do whatever they can did, i can achieve whatever they had achieved. Starting point doesn't matter as we are now on the same cruise going to the same destination, it is the efforts that you put in now determine your future voyage.

Since i am now in INTEC, why must i keep being recalcitrant? Why don't i turn my passion and sentimental enthusiasm into the energy that drives me to my success? I am prepared to be magnanimous for the poors, prepared to feel compassion for the needs. I want my contribution to be as pervasive as possible until it reaches to the deepest land of Africa for eons.

I don't want to be the one having remorseful feeling after nonstop leisures in INTEC. Since i have this opportunity to study with every scholars from every part of Malaysia, why don't i show them what is the passion that drives my dream on top as always? It's ok if i fail, who never face any failures in their life? In fact, i would rather choose to look at the sun, as the shadow shall never be seen.

My abilities are soon to be excavated. It's game on time! So, let's buggie it till the end of time.

Quite odd and peculiar moment again

these few days are my midsem examination and it is still going on, can you imagine how free i am typing my blog out again in here, at this time. This particular moment, i am preparing to go to the exam hall, and facing my last and final examination- the writing. It was like a long time ago that i didnt blog about anything related to examinations. May be because this ADFP doesn't really emphasize on examination much as a whole. This is quite a relieve to somebody, but not to me as i am not a consistent type of student rather than a one- hour- decide- everything student. Ya, put it in simple words, i am enslaved by the examination. Yesterday precal exam i was like so nervous till i cant even answer correctly, only until when i redid and rechecked it then i realized how many silly mistakes that i had made. This is like a total reflection on our lifes. We do make mistakes everytime when we face a dilenma or difficulties in our life, but the issue is are we ready to correct the mistakes that we ever made throughout our life?

i dont quite agree with the quote "Nobody is perfect". We must realize that somepeople around us are actually quite impecable in doing somethings. However, "somebody is perfect" doesn';t mean that we need to be perfect too.

Writing is a way to express yourselves, to express your thoughts, your feelings, your stands. Everything is related to you and is a personal reflection about you. That's why i always write about based on what i think. Those who write based on others preference are just people who are not truthful towards themselves. If they cant even believe themselves and show who they are, how are we going to know who they are?

This is real, this is me... ... gonna let the light, shine on me... ...

one of my favourite lyrics from the song, this is me. I once shared this song before in my chinese blogspot. I felt like indulging myself into the song beating rhythm and catching lyrics whenever i am listening to this song. What this song is trying to convey is- be yourselves.

Ya, i truly believe that becoming yourselves is very crucial in this cold apathy world. Somehow, be yourselves is the only way to pour in passion into your life, and thus enchance your dream by making it into a better reality.

If you guys giving me a task to classify people around me, i would like to classify those who always pretend themselves and never be who they are are like mocha coffee. They are coffee but they want to be like chocolate too. Somepeople might like to drink mocha, but they can never enjoy the true flavor of coffee beans which are fresh baked and nice blended.

Then there are people who are just like latte or caramel machiato. These are the people who are not good at something, probably similar to those not so good quality coffee bean. They are not confidence in themselves, and thus trying to have some addition flavorings in themselves, like milk or sugar. Who knows, they might be good coffee bean if they believe in themselves and try to be themselves and show to us who they really are. I think the aromatic pleasant coffee smell will be just nice for everyone.

How about black coffee. These are the real coffee taste, but somepeople might think that it is too strong and thus refuse to take it. If we want to know how something truly is inside, we must try to discover it eventhough the taste might not be that nice. And that is how a black coffee tasted, strong, exhilariting and tough, with a strong attack of flavor to our mouth and a heartbreaking smell that not many people can withstand it.

but the world is not allow too many people to be black coffee...