sad, morose, annoyed

today, i don't know why and what are the reasons for me to be so depressed. I guess i do have some mental issue here now, or is everyone around me have such a good day, till i become an oblivious figure in their mind. Ya, of course. I am always not in their list or in his list or in her list. I am just a back up plan for them to spend their free, boring time. I hate myself. I am not as good as some people have thought who i am. I really emo now, sad and miserable.

All i ask is to have some friends who really do know me and understand me, and of course, i am in their list to do stuff together. But i am hurt, i really hurt. I scared of having another fren anymore, they just want to use me as a tool, and after using it, and when i lost my value to proof myself to be useful, they will just dispose me as a rubbish.

May be i am jealous, i am green in eyes when looking at the others when they are having their gathering but leaving me alone doing nothing here. But, i think it is ok for you to be angry when you realise that some of ur "fren" don't even bother you when you find them, but what they are busy is talking to other fren which they consider to be more useful than you. it is So irresponsible when you just neglect someone's sms or post as they never consider others feeling.
People might ask, why bother?? Consider myself to be different from the others, i always ask, y not bother?? It is a way to show you care ah, why you must consider these people who you are going to care worth your care or not???

Big deal??!! i would say, YES!

I hate people always treat me as invisible!!! i am not invincible! i have weaknesses! I am not just a rock without feeling. But people just dun care my existance. I am not that heartless!!!! !!! !!!
I hate people always not reply my sms or post or msn or email! not just one or two, that is forgivable!!! but like tens, hundreds, thousands!!! So annoyed and angry ah! Are you blind or just don't bother me because i am who i am???
I hate people who forget me, it's like commiting a murder psychologically.

And you know what??? I AM NOT A HAPPY GO LUCKY PERSON, yet i need to pretend myself to be a happy go lucky person and keep swallowing my bitterness at others back! I can suppress all my anger towards everyone, except that guy, i dunno y, may be is because of yesterday's promises between me and him.

And yet, i cant show my anger towards anyone in this world, as they might think that i went crazy again. i need to suppress and suppress and suppress.

I felt so stressed and pressurelized now, these few days, i kept suppress and suppress, all i can do is to release all my anger and pressure to the sky, to the God. Blessed them all who i hate.